Epic Touhou is Epic [Fanfic]

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Epic Touhou is Epic [Fanfic]

Postby Youmu Konpaku » 15 May 2011 16:39

Epic Touhou is Epic

Disclaimer: Touhou and its characters are copyright to Team Shanghai Alice AKA ZUN. I do not own any of these characters or places, but i created the hideous plot.
The first part

One day Reimu was sweeping up at her shrine and decided to take a walk. Her donation box got taken by a bunch of youkai as she left. As she walked, she met Marisa.
"Hi Reimu, da ze! Nice armpits, da ze!" Marisa raised Reimu's arm and started licking her wonderful armpits.
"Hey! Stop that!" Reimu said as she wacked Marisa on the head with her stick. Marisa apologized and walked with her.
"So, where are we going, da ze?" Marisa asked as she ate some colorful magic mushrooms and smiled.
"Today, I'm going to the SDM for no specified or valid reason. Wanna join me?" And so the two of them set off to the SDM for an no specified or valid reason. On the way the met Mystia, who was running away from a trio of gluttons. As they flew away, one of the gluttons flew into a tree; it was Rumia.
"Hahaha, stupid fat-ass, da ze" Marisa jeered as she walked over Rumia's dumb body. Rumia stood up and followed them.
"Hey, I'm not a fat-ass! Just take my ribbon off!" she said as she followed them, quite pissed off.
"Okay then, da ze" Marisa said as she took the ribbon off. Suddenly Rumia grew a pair of evil wings, her eyes glowed red and her body became more mature. She also got a big sword which she swung around.
"Haha! Fool, you have unleashed my wrath!" She yelled as she cut the land in two with her sword.
"Fat-ass, da ze" Marisa jeered, unphased by Ex-Rumia.
"I'll make you eat those words!" she yelled as she raised the sword. She swung down, but hit Tenshi who had thrown herself in the way out of nowhere.
"Aaaahhhn~! Hit me more hit me more!" Tenshi squeaked, drooling as the sword sliced into her head.
"You asked for it!" Rumia yelled as she started hacking at Tenshi relentlessly. Reimu and Marisa continued walking on, leaving them to have fun times.
"That was interesting, da ze" Marisa said as Reimu nodded in agreement as they continued walking. After a bit of walking, they reached the Misty Lake where they met Cirno and that other fairy.
"I'm not some other fairy!" the other fairy yelled out.
"Who ya talking to, other fairy?" Cirno asked before she saw Reimu and Marisa. "Haha! I see people!" She flew up to them and posed. "I am the strongest 9!" Reimu slapped the fairy and Cirno exploded into red and blue blocks. The other fairy ran away, crying.
"Oh, Cirno, if only you remembered my name..." she cried as she flew into the sunset.
They then arrived at the SDM. "We arrived before midday, we can grab lunch here" Reimu said, her stomach growling. Suddenly they were confronted by China, who looked quite panicky.
"H-hey! My name is Hong Meiling, not China! And something weird is going on! This world has gone crazy! The mistress became all child-like, Sakuya went all perverted for the sisters and Patchouli is obsessed with anime, manga and Marisa! What is going on?!" China yelled out as she clutched her head.
"Come with us to seek answers" Koishi said, peering around Marisa.
"When did you start coming with us, da ze?" Marisa asked Koishi.
"I've always been here" she explained before ducking back.
China weeped and went with them on their adventure. "I still have no idea what's going on, and why is Koishi with us? And why does Marisa end all her sentences in 'da ze', and why are people obsessed with Reimu's armpits?" Reimu stuffed an onigiri in China's mouth as they walked up to the entrance of the SDM.
"Let's go this way, da ze" Marisa said as she master sparked the wall down and walked in. The others followed. They walked into the Voile library of magic and stuff. After Reimu raped the slutty devil lady, they found Patchouli in her room of magic and stuff. "Hi Patchy, da ze."
Suddenly Patchouli stole Marisa and locked her in a dungeon where she raped her and put her into bondage. "We'll get her later" Reimu said as she continued.
"W-wha, you're gonna leave her in there?!" China exclaimed, distressed. Reimu stuffed another onigiri in her mouth.
They then arrived in Remilia's room, where Sakuya was molesting her on the bed. "I think you honestly should stop" Reimu called out all heroic like.
Sakuya turned and smiled creepily. "And why should I do that, miko?"
"Because, pads" Reimu called out. Sakuya screamed and threw thousands of knives at Reimu. The miko deflected them all with her awesome stick and armpits before lunging at Sakuya and taking away her pads. Sakuya admitted defeat and then Remilia ran crying to Reimu.
"Uuuu uuuu you saved me, Reimu-sama. I wuv you" Remilia sobbed as she glomped Reimu. They then proceeded to make passionate love before lunchtime, where they had cakes and tea.
They were about to leave, waving goodbye to Remilia and Sakuya. "H-Hey! Two things. One, why am I coming with you? Two, we need to get Marisa back!" China asked, distressed. Reimu slapped her with a trout before stuffing a pad in her mouth.
"You are belong to us now. And we'll get her later" Reimu said as they walked back to the shrine. Marisa was left in the care of Patchoui for 4 long weeks while Reimu and the others had massive parties and orgies at the shrine. Marisa escaped with the help of Alice, and after an intimate night at Alice's house, Marisa returned back to the shrine the next day.
Meanwhile, Ex-Rumia went on a rampage and took over half of Gensokyo with her almighty girth of darkness. However, her girth was outmatched by the flawless one belonging to Letty and her winter legions. The two fat-ass powers collided in an epic party of gluttonous proportions, and Letty won. Then Yukari made it as if nothing happened. Rumia was dumb once again, and everyone went to the shrine for a party again. The end.
PS: Only one Tenshi was pleasured in the making of this fic.
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Re: Epic Touhou is Epic [Fanfic]

Postby Youmu Konpaku » 17 May 2011 21:04

Epic Touhou is Epic
Disclaimer: I don't own Touhou Project, ZUN does and blah blah.
This is a spoof story, geniuses.


The second part

One day Reimu was sweeping up at her shrine and she decided to set out again. Her donation box exploded.
As she walked on, Marisa joined her. "Hey Reimu, da ze." Reimu set her face on fire. "How are you, da ze? I'm sexually trained now thanks to Patchy's imprisonment." Reimu set her entirely on fire.
"That's cool. Today, let's go to Hakugyokurou cause we're cool like that, bro" Reimu said as she strided with awesomeness. Marisa nodded and followed.
"B-bro? But we're girls! Plus, why am I still here and why do we need to go to Hakugyokurou, the land of the dead? And Marisa, doesn't that hurt?! Your face is on fire!" China said. Reimu stuffed mushrooms into her mouth and tapped her with a stick.
"Nah, I'm used to this now, da ze" Marisa said, her face burning like a boss. "And we go to Hakugyokurou...da ze."
"For no specified or valid reason. Onwards we march, bros!" And so they moved out to the Netherworld by flying. On the way they met Chen and Ran.
"Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen~!" Ran screamed as she chased a spinning Chen across the sky, gushing blood from her nose left in her wake. The blood spattered all over Reimu and co gracefully.
"I love blood" Koishi muttered as she licked it off her face.
"You were there, da ze?" Marisa asked Koishi.
"Always." Koishi licked the blood off everyone else and they continued on.
"W-why was Ran bleeding so much?! Doesn't Chen get dizzy?! What kind of parallel universe of horrors have I entered? Pinch me because this is a nightmare!" Reimu pinched China with red hot tongs and stuffed a mochi in her mouth.
"This is no nightmare. This is..." Reimu posed dramatically. "Lovely life!" she screamed. Marisa thumped the miko and they reached the big gate to the Netherworld, where they met the Prismriver sisters and Lily White.
"Merupo!" Merlin screamed as she murdered and sodomized her sisters. Lily White danced around spraying her white hot bullets everywhere, but then got bitch-slapped epically by Reimu.
"Lily, why do you announce spring?" Reimu asked in an imposing tone.
Lily cried. "I-I announce spring because no one noticed it, uuu..."
Reimu placed a hand on Lily's head. "No Lily. You don't announce spring, you are spring!" Then Lily was spring. They proceeded to Hakugyokurou together.
They met Youmu at the gate, who was myoning all over the place. She threatened them with her swords and marshmallow companion. Marisa engorged the marshmallow and defeated Youmu with a marshmallow spit-wad of doom. Youmu was surprised and defeated. Reimu shoved a marshmallow in the myon's mouth before carrying on. Youmu started crying because she didn't get any spoken lines.
"You have entered the tomb of the three Gensokyo Gluttons" Yuyuko bellowed, her voice echoing throughout the gardens. On either side of her were a dancing zombie and a fat-ass. Reimu threw a trout at them, but Yuyuko swallowed it.
"Hm...I guess it's time to eat some food and kick some ass. And I'm all outta ass." She pulled out an apple, and is about to eat it, but then she tosses it into the air and Marisa catches it before eating it. The infamous Bad Apple PV then plays. Rumia, being dumb, wasn't in it, so she is defeated as she flies away crying. Yoshika didn't exist, therefore she doesn't exist yet. Gone. Yuyuko was left.
"You have defeated my allies, but you will not defeat me. You will come to know how it truly means to experience true fear through death!" She yelled as she readied a spellcard, her power level rising.
"Oh god! Satori, what does your third eye say about her power level!?" Reimu shouted in a very Shonen like tone. Then there was Satori.
"It's...It's....OVER *Censoring lame meme*!!!!" She screamed as Yuyuko fired her shoop da whoop ripoff laser thing. Marisa threw China in the way and everyone was saved (except China. Rest in peace, girl). They then sat down for supper together. After Reimu raped Yuyuko and unsealed the Saigyou Ayakashi, killing the ghost princess, they went back to the shrine for an all-night party. China rose from her crude grave and returned to party with the others before being eaten by Rumia and exploding out her stomach like a pro.
Meanwhile, Yukari complains that she was never mentioned in this segment, so she got a mention now. She is happy and eats some lotus buns. But her peace was disrupted by the Watatsuki no Yuri Police. The ludicrously lunatic Lunarian twins arrested her on suspicion of dividing by zero. The gap hag was taken away to the Lunarian capital where she was constantly whipped in bondage imprisonment for 49 days and 57 nights (time works differently on the moon?). She was then sent home in a box, which Ran dismissed as junk and tossed into an incinerator.
As for the SDM, it wasn't mentioned either, so here. Remilia wanted a store in her mansion, so she grabbed Kourindou and plopped it in her garden. All they sold were exotic pads though, so Remilia ended up removing it entirely due to disappointed maids. However, Sakuya's chest seems to have increased in size and exoticness-*knifed*.
Lastly, Yumemi's hyperspace vessel landed on Tenshi and crushed her impressive pelvis.

The end.
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Youmu Konpaku
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