[Fanfiction] Flambe Scarlet, the Secret Vampire

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[Fanfiction] Flambe Scarlet, the Secret Vampire

Postby Tewi Inaba » 30 Oct 2010 18:35

Chapter 1
Flambe Scarlet


She's delicious.
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Re: [Fanfiction] Flambe Scarlet, the Secret Vampire

Postby Tewi Inaba » 30 Oct 2010 18:40

Chapter 2
The Fair Folk's Volkswagen


Good afternoon. My name is Dolphilter the Nasty Fairy, and I am here to tell you a story.

...No, that is actually a blatant inaccuracy. First of all, I'm not really 'nasty' in the usual sense of the word - that is, I'm not bad, perverted or disgusting. I just happen to hail from a village in Hertfordshire, England, so shut up.

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Just turn left or something.

Also, this is not a story. This is a warning for posterity to beware of the greatest danger that is the Secret Vampire.

My affair with that creature began after I have finally settled myself as a full-time employee in the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Oh, cruel fate! Oh, destiny! If only I was aware that 'a piece of lollipop every now and then, if you do a really swell work' did not actually meet the minimum wage law!

...Then again, the maid uniform is really really cute, so I guess I'm more or less okay.

It was on the eve of Halloween, and I was on duty for cleaning the fifth hallway of the mansion's west wing - curse the ridiculous size of this place - together with Haiyini Silverleaf, known better by her friends as Greg the Fucking Fairy.

She's an Austrian.

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Ahahaha yeah I don't get it either.

I believe in a fair division of labor, and as such, we split the workload carefully between us - Greg would clean everything, and I would check on her work and carefully chastise her should she miss something.

I did not want poor Greg to be found by the Head Maid as the only fairy with a less-than-stellar performance, so I made sure that she would clean the smallest speck of dust, calling her to clean the same spot for at least three times.

It was such a hard work on my part, yelling at her until I was hoarse, but I was willing to do this for Greg's sake.
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Re: [Fanfiction] Flambe Scarlet, the Secret Vampire

Postby Tewi Inaba » 31 Oct 2010 11:41

At any rate, I was sitting at the staircase, waiting patiently for Greg to finish on polishing one of the many doorknobs found in that accursed place. To be honest, I was getting rather bored with waiting, so I decided to busy myself by remembering the Hungarian phrases I have taught myself last night.

"A légpárnás hajóm tele van angolnákkal," I muttered.

"Pardon?" Greg stopped her polishing to look at me, her expression being the perfect mixture of both bewilderment and fearful curiosity. At that point in time, she had the very same expression of someone who has just discovered the existence of tentacle pornography, right in the middle of an important business presentation.

"Pay that no mind, Greg," I chuckled, waving my hand with enough joviality to swat an imaginary tsetse fly.

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Those ugly buggers are at least the size of five countries, if this picture is to be trusted.

"I am just trying to practice the elegant language of Hungary," I said.

"Oh," she exclaimed, her confusion replaced by understanding bliss. "You should go ahead and have your lunch, then, if you're feeling hungry."

I stared at her for a while, and she stared back at me.

An awkward silence descended upon the hallway.

"...Yes." I finally spoke. "You should, on the other hand, get on with your job. Those doorknobs cannot polish themselves, unless they have turned into youkai. In which case, we should try to talk them into revolting and establish a worker union, so as to improve our conditions."

"Ehehehe," Greg only giggled, apparently thinking of my master plan to seize this mansion from our harsh mistresses as a joke. "You always like to kid around, Dolf-chan. But you're right, I better get back to work." She happily doused the rag of cloth she held in her hands into the bucket of industrial cleaner by her side, and started to diligently wipe the doorknob once more.

"If I slack around," she hummed, "The Secret Vampire will get me~"

The biggest mistake that I have ever made in my practically immortal life is that I did not choose to ignore that nonsensical ditty and wobble back to the staircase in order to start rehearsing my Urdu. No, I raised an eyebrow quizzically at the Fucking Fairy, instead.

"The Secret Vampire...?"

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I picked the title before seeing this image, honest.

"What the fuck is a Secret Vampire?" I asked, demonstrating my sophisticated vocabulary to Greg.
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oh god what is this i don't even

Postby Yukari Yakumo » 01 Nov 2010 11:03

Nasty isn't actually that bad a place, actually. It's usually missing a lot of its street signs, though.
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Re: [Fanfiction] Flambe Scarlet, the Secret Vampire

Postby Tewi Inaba » 02 Nov 2010 19:36

Haha, I heard Fucking has the same problems, too! I guess those names really are too interesting to pass up...

---

"A secret vampire," Greg answered with a hint of confusion in her voice, as if this was supposed to be common knowledge. "A vampire whose identity is kept secret from everyone. Well, I guess it's not much of a secret anymore, since I already know about it and telling you right now--"

"Wait, wait, wait." I raised my hand, putting a halt to her unhelpful explanation. "I don't know anything about any Secret Vampires!"

"That's why it's a secret!" She smiled.

I shook my head in frustration. "Okay, tell me what you know about her, then."

"But then, it won't be a secret anymore--"

"TELL ME!"

"Okay, okay, no need to give me that kind of attitude," she frowned. "Well, the Secret Vampire may or may not be related to the Mistress." Ah, our Mistress, Remilia Scarlet. Her poofy nightcap is filled to the brim with cunning leadership, and her pajama outfit belies a vampiric charisma.

The above sentence is absolutely not made in fear of my employer and/or desperate sycophancy as an attempt to increase my hourly wage. Not at all.

"Everyone may or may not related to the Mistress, Greg," I sighed.

"Well, I dunno." She shrugged. "Anyway, her name is Flambe Scarlet--"

"Hold on," I cut into her words once more. "You mean Flandre Scarlet."

"No, I meant what I said. Or did I say what I meant? Hmm..." She scratched her head. "Anyway, her name is Flambe!"

"This is our Mistress' little sister, isn't it? Blond hair, batshit crazy, loves to swing a piece of Æsir weaponry like it's nobody's business?" Yes, she is as precious a girl as what you might picture from that description.

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Eh, close enough.

"No, no, that's Miss Flandre!" Greg exclaimed. "This is Flambe. She's an entirely different vampire!"

"...Okay," I said, at this point somewhat fearful of Greg's mental health. "And what else do you know about this... Flambe Scarlet, the Secret Vampire?"

DUN DUN DUN

"...Nothing."

"What...?"

"It's a secret, so I don't know anything else about her..." She lowered her head, apparently saddened at her own lack of knowledge, before suddenly clapping her hands together in a show of sudden realization. "Oh! Oh! I know!"

"What?"

"She's delicious."

"...Alright." I stared at her for a while before letting out another sigh. "Greg, there's no such thing as a Secret Vampire."

"What? No! She really does exist!"

"No, she doesn't."

"Uu-uu-uu! Flambe exists!"

"Now you're just straying into a copyrighted material," I crossed my arms. "Come on, Greg. No one has ever heard or seen this Secret Vampire of yours. I know I haven't, and I pride myself as a fairy who knows a damn lot, if not everything about this mansion and the people who live in it."

"But she really does exist! You just don't know about her since she's a really huge secret!"

"Okay, then," I was exasperated. "Let's ask the Head Maid. She should've known something about this Secret Vampire, right?"

((More to come.))
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